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  • Writer's pictureAmanda

My Ex just will not be REASONABLE!

What does reasonable mean in the divorce process?

Without exception, we all feel that we are the one who is being reasonable. That sense of what is fair or OK; what is expected or allowed; how you will share, divide, split; all depends on your point of view.

Some people approach divorce in a very pragmatic and practical fashion. They focus on the facts and the system they are existing within and they reach a position based on rational and probability. Others are emotions driven, their view may be reached by assessing how fair things feel, how badly their ex has behaved or what is "best" for the children. Mostly though, we all fall somewhere in the middle of these two extremes.

It can be enormously frustrating when you think you are being reasonable and your ex will not play ball. You just want to get it done and move on, you want to stop paying legal fees and you want the emotional pain to stop. Why will your ex not co-operate? Don't they understand that what they are doing is ridiculous and futile?


- They are in pain

- They are in shock

- They are confused

- They want to hurt you or they seek revenge

- They have hope that you will reconcile

- They do not listen to their legal team

All of these are possible and even probable at different times in the process. The key is to understand what you can and cannot do about it.

  • Will talking it through help? Listening and acknowledging your ex's opinion can be enough to unblock a process.

  • What about kindness? Offering empathy, support, care and concern can go a really long way towards achieving flexibility and solutions.

  • Can you move your position? Earth-shattering I know but is it possible that this particular part of the agreement is where you can compromise?

  • What about waiting a while? Often, one party just needs some time to reflect and consider. You may be keen to progress but maybe they are not. Just back off and see what happens.

  • Have you been clear? If there is no chance of reconciliation, have you been crystal clear about that?

Patience, empathy and kindness are your friends in the divorce process; even when they feel like the most alien emotions on the planet.

However, if you have somebody who simply will not work with you, will not listen and does not seem to want to hear the legal team they are paying, then recognising that is also very important. In this case, you have to realise that the court process may be your only option. Don't waste time and money, just progress the legal steps and view the cost and time as an investment in your future.

Ultimately though, it will no doubt serve you well to remember that how "reasonable" you or they are acting, is all completely subjective.


Working with a divorce coach can help you negotiate with your ex and equip you with the tools and techniques you need to get through the divorce process as quickly and painlessly as possible. Why not book a complimentary discovery call with me to find out more. Here is my diary:

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