The divorce journey is different for everybody. Some divorces are high conflict where every step of the way can be a huge struggle. Others may seem amicable but they still end a marriage and so, there will be feelings of loss and uncertainty coupled with stress about the future. Whatever your experience, there are a few habits that it may be worth fostering early on:
1) Health and Wellbeing
This is the first tip you will see on any divorce blog or website. It’s obvious but it is also crucial. You are embarking on a journey and you will need to be physically and mentally fit to reach your destination.
Developing a habit of exercise will serve you well. Do whatever makes you happy, the endorphins will flow and you will feel more in control. Even if your habit is just a 10 minute walk every morning; it’s a start.
It may not be usual practice to recommend a drinking habit but if you like a tipple and find it relaxes you, then consciously think about how much and when you indulge. Alcohol is undeniably a depressant and most of us traveling through divorce, do not need any help in that area.
Equally, finding some routine with healthy eating is ideal. For many, divorce presents an opportunity to change eating habits as you only have yourself to consider, so, make sure the change is a positive one.
Also, mental health is of course so important. Developing positive habits such as those listed below will help. Additionally, a regular time with your divorce coach or a therapist will keep you mentally fighting fit.
2) Positive Self Talk
Avoid getting stuck in the pain trap. Divorce is painful but wallowing in that place is a choice and not one that anybody would recommend.
To avoid becoming bogged down, you could try consciously re-thinking your negative thoughts. So; “I don’t want this divorce” could become “I have a new opportunity, I didn’t want it but here it is and I’m going to embrace it” or “There must be something wrong with me” becomes “That person was not right for me and now I can find somebody who is”
Consistently, forcing yourself to rethink your thoughts will feel uncomfortable to begin with but it is a case of fake it until you make it! The alternative may be, that you stay in a negative place for far longer than is good for you or than you deserve.
3) Suppress Projection
Projection can be the root of all evil for those going through divorce. Common projections are:
- I’ll never meet somebody else.
- My children will never get over this.
- I will not be able to cope financially.
Unless you have a crystal ball you do not know that any of this will be the case. Live in the moment and deal with what is in front of you today. Worrying about what you do not know and you cannot control, is futile and a waste of energy.
4) Be Pro-active, Not Reactive
Get ahead of the game and habitually plan your way forward. Deciding the next step and scheduling a completion date will keep you on track and will provide you with purpose and direction.
This is relevant for the divorce process itself but also for planning your new life.
Proactively planning your second act is the fun bit. Think about what you want, is it possible? How will you get there?
Every journey starts with one step.
5) Solutions Focussed
Separation and the ensuing divorce guarantee that you will get lots of problem-solving experience.
Pragmatism is key; developing the habit of approaching every challenge with a solutions focussed mindset will keep you positive and make the process a little easier.
There is an answer, you just need to find the one that fits.
6) Make time for your divorce
Divorce can very quickly become pervasive. It can infiltrate your every waking moment and disrupt the sleeping ones too.
So, it may serve you well to make time for your divorce and to keep that time strictly limited.
Every day, spare some divorce administration time and some emotional processing time. These are periods in your day when you deal with the lawyer or deal with the admin to divide your households etc and they are periods where you get to reflect and grieve for your marriage or even worry for the future.
The key is that the time is limited. Once your time is up, move on and enjoy the rest of your day.
Habits become part of life in a very short space of time. If any of these appeal to you, try them out for a few weeks and you may find that they are second nature before you know it.
For support and advice as you go through divorce. Why not contact me for a complimentary discovery session.